her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
