Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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