I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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