Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
