For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
