I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
