Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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