Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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