i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
