Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
