and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
