i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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