whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
