I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
