How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
