so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
