I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
