you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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