I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
