I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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