my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
