I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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