My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
