i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
