I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
