Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
