Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
