Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
whose ass print is on the piano?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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