She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
