I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
