Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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