are you still at the devil's house?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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