So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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