God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
