we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
