I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
