So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
