Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
