I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
