My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
