Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
