Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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