Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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