There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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