My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
