A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
so much tequila, so little girl.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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