There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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