Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
