please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
