oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wanna passion pit in your ass
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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